hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
