do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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