Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
