I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
