You made me cry and you don't even care
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
