I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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