the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
