Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
