I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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