Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
