The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
