My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
