he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
a search helicopter?!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
