dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
barbara walters just said penis...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
