3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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