I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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