You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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