If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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