Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
