dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
operation harelip BJ is a go
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
