Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
