By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
