i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I am available for nakedness
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
