She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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