I cannot find my penis.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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