My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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