There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
