i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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