It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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