im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
