She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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