I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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