sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I need water and some morals
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
