I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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