So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
