Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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