remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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