I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I didn't shave. On purpose
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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