my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
