On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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