I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
