just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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