Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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