is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Randomize
