I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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