i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You're like the curious george of whores
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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