Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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