she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
