i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i black out too much to be "responsible"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
