you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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