White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
