i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize