My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
