the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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