Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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