Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
