I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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