I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We're not piercing ourselves today.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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